By Sebastian Gomez
Recent studies by the University of Harwood have proven that 100% of murderers have consumed water. “We can say with 100 percent certainty that drinking water correlates directly with the ability to murder,” the University said at press time. They further proved their point by stating, “there has never been anyone that doesn’t drink water that has murdered”
This is a rather startling fact, as this seems to be the only thing that connects all murderers together. Could this be the source of all evil? We spoke with local Catholic Priest Dennis McLeary. “Well, I can say with absolute certainty that Cain, the first murderer, drank water before killing his brother,”
The Mayor held a press conference this morning on the concerning nature of water. In statement, the Mayor said, “there will be an effective zero-tolerance ban on water, effective immediately” and that “those caught drinking water will be charged with high treason, attempted murder, aggravated assault and loitering” She also went on to say that,”police are authorized to use lethal force to stop those who are drinking water”
We sat with the Chief of Police for a statement. “This will effectively reduce crime by 100%. The Mayor is a wonderful person, because we will become the first city in the history of time to have 0 crime” We broke the news to the citizens and they were overjoyed. Tears streamed down their cheeks as they realized they would have a perfect utopia for their children, for the future generations.
We at the news station are also optimistic, for we no longer will need to write horrifying news each and every day. We can write about things like, “Why are you wearing that?” or “Look at these people who are way better then you, and have done something with their lives” Either way, we’d like ti thank our readers and wish them a good night.
Caution: this story is not real.